someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
