I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
