at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
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