i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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