Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
