Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
