the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
