She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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