I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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