Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
