I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
She's the barista slut.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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