In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
