WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
