i already hear my dad disowning me
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
