OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
