Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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