I got chris browned last night
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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