you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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