after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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