I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize