grandma shit on top of the toilet
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Text me some of your sweat
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