Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
