you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
