Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Randomize
