I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
