the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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