That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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