my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
