even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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