My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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