It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
