I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
