he wants to bone in the snuggie
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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