I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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