I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
