Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
