She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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