I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
