My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
