like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
