how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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