we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
