"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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