i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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