she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
