Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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