please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
