dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
