My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
