so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
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