You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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