I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
