I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
