You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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