god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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