soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
