She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
