dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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