a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
