Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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