It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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