You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
ok first of all what the fuck
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
