If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
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